I rememeber when I was a kid, friends came easy.
You met another kid. You played a while. You became best friends.
It was easy, the whole process just fell into place. You played, you talked. You talked about EVERTHING. Who you liked... what you liked.... what you didn't like and who you didn't like, and why. I mean it was pretty basic. You didn't like a type of food becuase it tasted "Icky" or you didn't like someone because they were mean to you. But that talk came easy and judgment was not a factor when you spoke to your friend.
As teenagers it got more compicated. There were those kids that were popular, for whatever reason. Usually based on looks or their parents financial situation. The poorer kids or the less lucky in the looks department got picked on, ridiculed, teased and left out. It is was during that time friends who were your friends once, were now no longer that because they fit into one of the aforementioned catagories and you didn't.
You do eventully find your niche if you are lucky and have your absolute best freind, the one you tell all your secrets to, complain about your parents or boyfriend to and who is your shoulder to cry on when you need them. They never judged or drew their own conclusions about what THEY think it means when you say something. They listened and comforted. I had a friend like that once. But life moved on, we moved away and I never was able to build that type of friendship again.
You see it in the movies, and on TV, adult women or women and men, as close as anyone can be short of being one person.
I have wished for that, looked for that, needed that, but have to date not found it again. And I don't think I ever will. Do those kinds of adult friendships exist in real life or are they a fabication of novels or the TV screen? Sometimes I so badly need a confidant. Someone I can bitch to, cry in front of and not feel silly. Somone who will let me vent and not pass judgement. I need that so badly but what I have to turn to is someone I have to pay when life overwhelms me and I get lost in sadness, frustration, confusion or anger.
This isn't menopause talking. This is a long time loneliness. The man in my life has a job that at present keeps him on call, so when I go to work I may have plans with him for the evening to find later in the day he will be working the night shift so I might get home in time to see him go out the door and when I wake to go to work he is heading to bed and chances are it is the same for several days in a row where we pass on the stairs or in the doorway.
I know lots of people, but I don't know that I have anyone I could call a friend like the ones I see on TV or read about. And I know there are so many times I need to talk and there is no one I can turn to. There are times where I am so lonely I feel I could not bare another second of it and I choke on the lump in my throat.
I have people in my life I do call friends and who I admire and respect and do trust if I was to talk to them about all my troubles, trials and tribulations but none of these friendships are of the type I discribe. At least I don't think so. I don't like to assume anything. Some have the potential I think. I wonder if the real problem is that friendships like that take considerable time spent with another person in order to develop. And how many of us as adults have that sort of time anymore. Between kids, jobs, housework, etc etc. what time is there left beyond that. It is too bad really, because from where I stand, us as adults need those kinds of friendships more than we did as children.