Thursday, October 4, 2012

It's too much.

Depression covers me like a heavy blanket. Threatening to suffocate me. I struggle to keep it at bay but the battle wears me out. Today, I am too tired to fight it.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

I highly recommend

Because of my health, I am on a variety of medications. I do not go into the details with people other than my closest friend.... and my daughter.

One thing I have learned over the years is... always.. ALWAYS consult with your pharmasist when you are taking any prescribed meds to see if it will react with any over the counter meds you might be considering taking for relief from a cold, flu or sleeplessness. These medications relatively harmless on their own, combined with prescription meds can cause, you to stop breathing, or to slip into a coma or death.

So, never assume they are safe just because you got them off the shelf. If you take any sort of prescribed med, talk to your pharmasist.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Cuba

I am excited.. and a bit scared.

Sunday morning I fly off to Cuba for a week long vacation with the man in my life. It is my combination Valentines Day/Birthday gift from him.
I have never been to Cuba. I have never been anywhere south of Buffalo, where I went for a family wedding when I was 16 and sick with the flu.

It was not a pleasant experience.

I am hopeful that this trip south will wipe the unpleasant memory of the other out of my mind.

But...

What if I catch the travel bug?

What if I end up never satisfied to be at home?

I have many places I'd like to visit on my bucket list.  And not much time to finish it in.

I have to win the lottery soon.

The world awaits me.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Long time.

I don't post much. Life keeps me crazy busy.  I am trying to decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Work at work.... work at home(my own graphics business) so not the house work kind but add that in there too. Getting my son to karate 5 days of the week.  The Gym (for me)  for 3 of those.. and now that I go with my daughter its a 2 or more hour visit. After I drop my son at Karate I go pick up my daughter at work to go to the gym. Meals.. toilet and baths to scrub.. vacumning (is that spelled right?).. all the stuff we all do. But I never seem to have enough time in my day. Bed at midnight or 1.. up at 5 out the door to drive to work shortly after 7.
Day after day.
The car goes into the shop this afternoon to the tune of $500. I cancelled my dental appointment because I cannot afford both right now.

BUT...

In a couple days I get to go to Cuba.
Courtesy of Roger.

If I don't show up in 7 days.... you know where to find me.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Its been a tough day.. tougher than most.  If it could go wrong.. it did. And as a result.. I had a melt down followed in short order by a good cry. The kind that makes it hard to breathe between the wracking sobs.

I am feeling somewhat better now.

Mostly... I am just real   REAL tired. Not lack of sleep tired  although that's part of it.. Its tired of life tired.

My boyfriend sees this. Bless his heart he tries everything he can to help. But there is only so much he can do.

I want to go back to bed and start this day over... but I can't.
So...
Get up in the morning and endeavor to have a positive attitude and get off this track.

I have some unpleasant tasks to take care of in the coming months.

One at a time.. I need to deal with it instead of obsessing about it.

Go at it from a different angle.

Get up and regroup.

A day at a time.

Weekends

Weekends take too long to arrive, and don't last near long enough.'

As usual, the plans for things I needed to get done were put aside for things that came up and HAD to be done first.  This weekend, it was the loss of the Internet connection.

For some reason everyone looks upon me as the computer geek of the household. So when the Internet cacks out or their computer is not acting right there is a knock on my door and an ask for help.

Friday, as I am rushing out the door to work I was confronted by two members of the household telling me they could not connect to the Internet.

FRACK!!! as Cathy would say.. at least I think its Cathy says that.  I think to myself.. "seriously?? is the world going to frikin end at 6:50 in the frikin morning because you cannot connect to the Internet??"'

"Did you refresh your network?" I ask as I rush past to the bathroom? I am referring to the little pop up menu on the bottom right that shows the available connections. I do not know if thats the technical term for it but they both know what I mean.

"No" they say in unison, the looks on their faces a mix of bewilderment and panic.

"Try that" I say and I load my toothbrush with '3D white' and turn it on.
In an instant they return, big puppy dog eyes and say "That didn't work."

"Well I don't know what to tell you guys, I don''t have time for this right now, I have to head to work"'
I say this as they trail after me, laptops open and cradled in their hands. I pass through to the kitchen and pour a cup of tea into my travel mug and look out the window at the snow coming down.

I feel their eyes on me. Waiting for some miracle to happen just because I know they have no Internet. I go to the closet and pull my coat out, hearing them follow close behind. I turn.

Puppy dog eyes, pleading for me to fix this.

"So what do we do then?" one of them asks.

"Read a book" I reply as I rush out the door.

In my rear view mirror I see the image of the two of them standing in the kitchen looking lost.

So, that night I determine it has nothing to do with the Internet coming into the house but with the router we bought almost a month ago. We drive to the store and the sales clerk sends up home with a replacement, which for some god awful reason refuses to install as easily as the first one. It does not want to install at all. In the process my Internet to the house disappears as well.

After at least an hour checking connections, settings etc. and 2 hours on the phone with Sympatico support. I ended up fixing it myself when the phone connection with Sympatico support got cut off. I hate to do it but I reset the modem and my connection was back. Next I spent 45 minutes with Cisco tech support. Things are running again.

I should of played up the dumb blond card years ago.  It's too late now.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Who I am

Lately the need to write, or the ability to do so escapes me.

I enjoy spinning a tale but it does not come easy to me.. it has at many times been a creative outlet reflecting on, or helping me deal with the issues in my life.

I expect my life is no different than anyone else's, but at times it feels worse than most and it overwhelms me..

I am 53 years old and have still yet to feel comfortable in my own skin.

I had thought by now I would have a certain amount of confidence. NOT.

I had thought by now Id have gotten over being the kid who was bullied and teased in the school yard.  NOT.

I am sensitive to being teased. I do OK with a bit, but after a while I begin to feel hurt', centred out and embarassed and eventually withdraw from the person doing the teasing because I find I begin to second guess their motives.

I suspect this goes back to the school yard.



What this amounts to is, I am painfully shy and try very hard to pretend I am not. In that attempt, I am sure I come across as awkward and weird to some people.
I try to come across as confident, but again I am not. and again...I am sure I come across as awkward and weird.

I have a couple of very dear friends who know this and see beyond it to who I really am and I cherish them with all my heart. One, is my daughter. Who would have guessed my daughter would be one of my closest friends.

The other is a woman who used to be my boss. Her and her husband hired me to work as the receptionist/whatever else needed doing plus on air stuff, at their radio station.

Neither of them judges me, both of them are an ear when I need it and I know they would be there in a pinch if I asked. And I am sure they know it's a two way street.

So, at my age, I live my life not sure of most of the relationships I have. The one with my parents is a given. They love me and do not judge me either.. I do not doubt that for one second. But to avoid worrying them I keep life and its trials to myself.

My daughter and my other friend are my rocks. They see past my shyness and awkwardness. They tease mildly and lovingly seeming to sense when to stop.

I used to think the number of friends you had was important and was a direct reflection of who you are.

It is not the case.

It is the quality of the friends you have. The ones who really care and will listen and support you during the good and the bad. The ones who are with you during the good times and laughter and remain when the times are not so good and you need to vent and whine.

That, in my mind, is a true friend. 

I have two.

I am very fortunate.