Thursday, February 25, 2010


I'd love to be able to write about my day. What I did. Who I saw. I cannot find the time to do anything of interest these days. I have not played cards, talked on the phone for longer than a minute or two, watch TV. read a book or magazine. I eat, work, cook, sleep.
I AM BORED.. I am so friggin' bored.  yet I am way to busy to have any sort of time for myself. Where does the time go?????  The work around the house piles up higher and higher. Things I need to take care of get put on hold because I do not have the time. I am tired.. I am frustrated... I am lonely. I am bitchy... and I am wining about it. My life feels like it is spinning out of  control.
Someone please stop it.....  I want to get off.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

What comes now?

My father-in-law is no longer scared.
That's because he passed away this last Saturday.
And now I wonder......
When we leave our bodies. after our bodies die... where does the personality go? Where does, what makes us who we are, go?  Is that trapped inside the lifeless shells that once housed us forever, or does it leave and float out to who knows where and dissipate like the charge of electricity that flashes through the sky during a lightning storm.
I know that differant faiths have their ideas on that.
I don't live by those beliefs.
I have no clear thoughts on that.
I still wonder. The same way I always have when I look down at somene I loved and see the face I recognize but feel the lack of  'them'.  I wait for eyes to open and smiles to appear and wonder if they are wishing they could as they lay trapped inside that body.
What I hope is that they are now floating above the body that served them for many years, looking down on the people they loved and who loved them back and that in this new space are able to feel actually feel the love sent their way.
And in the same way that blanket that I imagine slowly warms and comforts them as they die, the love from the people that were part of their lives flows over them, refreshing them and leaving them feeling healthier, stronger and happy as that love flows over and through them and they get carried away to some wonderful place. Full of sunshine, or starlight, brooks babbling, spring peepers and fresh warm breezes. Coffee brewing, bacon frying. And the people who they loved who passed before them. Whatever sounds, smells, or sensations gave them pleasure in life. Nothing negative, no fear, pain, or conflict.
Is that what 'Heaven' is?

Monday, February 15, 2010

Life... and .......

My father in law is dying.
It is not news that is new to us, but very recently he took a turn for the worse after a couple months of appearing healthy.
Saturday was his birthday.
Tuesday of this week I was up to see him and as I hugged him hard when I went to leave he said
"Careful, we may just get stuck this way" and I said
"Now that wouldn’t be so bad would it?
I have not had the opportunity to get back in to see him, he took very ill on Wednesday with flu like symptoms. He has not been well since and has grown weak.
He is back on Oxygen.
We were supposed to bring him home today for family day and a small BD celebration. Is that what you still call it when the guest of honor is dying. Either way… he won’t be coming home today. He doesn't have the strength.
Roger and his brother went to see him last night and told us he is having difficulty talking, his speech is slurred. He doesn’t know where he is, or why. He thinks he is in Toronto. He is very weak and unable to get out of bed. This is a big change from when I saw him on Tuesday at which time he flew out of bed and into the washroom with seemingly little effort.
He knew he was dying.
Last week he said he was scared.
So, is this confusion he is experiencing a blessing?
I hope so. I do not want him to be scared any more. And I hope no one will tell him the truth about why he is there.
I don't think it will be long.
I really hope it will be as effortless and easy as just feeling real tired. I hope he gets to experience that wonderful feeling one gets when they are so exhausted the very act of lying down is heaven. I love that feeling when you are aware of yourself falling asleep. Like a big warm blanket is being slowly drawn up over your body. I hope that when his time comes that is how he feels. Extremely relaxed….. and warm…. and safe as he drifts off. Unaware of what is really happening.

And not afraid.

Saturday, February 13, 2010


My feet are cold.
Just saying.

Feeling Better today

Well, my mouth doesn't hurt as much as my dentist warned me it might.
I want to eat something.
I should avoid nuts I think, but then that would mean ignoring most of the people I love.
I vow to stop chewing hard candy and make every effort to suck them instead.
I will go have some cream of wheat.
That's gotta be safe.

Friday, February 12, 2010

The Dentist

My mouth is frozen. As close to frozen solid that a mouth can get. My dentist froze the top left of my face and what ended up being several needles later the bottom right of my face. I feel like the right half of my face is gone. My tongue feels only half there. I am walking around the house, Kleenex in hand to wipe any and all saliva that escapes my lips. And there are generous amounts of it. Because my lips won’t work right, so forget about talking. It’s easier to just nod right now.
How did I end up in this predicament?
Eating. Eating is not my friend lately.
I cracked a filling 2 weeks ago eating a granola bar and the one piece of the filling got wedged between the tooth it was in and the one behind. I walked around for all that time feeling like I had a stick stuck between my teeth that made me crazy because I wanted to remove it. My dentist said it was a good thing I had left it there because it would have exposed a nerve and cause me great discomfort.
Then, on Tuesday of this week I was chomping on a candy heart. I love those things, or I used to because I broke a tooth.


So $596.00 Later I cannot feel my mouth which temporarily is a good thing. My dentist warned me I could be hurting later. He had to jam the needle during the 3rd bout of freezing the bottom right, into some jaw muscles in may face to finally get me frozen enough. I still cannot fathom the idea of 4 hands and countless instruments in my mouth. How is that possible?? I have no picture to illustrate. A cannot open my mouth wide enough. I have his cell phone number just in case I need drugs. He said he will be away for 5 days but do not hesitate to call if I need to.
He is going to see the Olympics.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Cat conversations...

My cats follow me into the bathroom every morning and sit and talk to me while I have my bath.

I never thought much of it until this morning while I was having my conversation with Smokey.
"Did you sleep well?' I ask him
That’s nice, glad to hear. I slept like crap. How late did you stay up, cause I thought I heard you running about around midnight?"
"Meow, meow, bblllrrrrr???" (best way to describe a sound he makes)
"Really" I respond with feigned fascination.
"And what about Bandit?"
Right on queue she is meowing at the door wanting in as well. She was sleeping on the chair as I trudged by.
I lean back and turn the knob on the door and she enters being very vocal as if saying.
"Well… let ME tell you about my night because he has NO idea what I did, Don't EVER listen to him about what I do because he'd have you believe I do nothing but lay around all the time while he hunts mice and bugs."
They begin some cat conversation between themselves and my mind wanders....

What are my cats REALLY saying to each other while they join me in the bathroom in the morning?

Bandit asks Smokey
"Have you figured out how she gets her fur off?"
"Nope I haven’t. It’s seldom the same way two times in a row. Sometimes she pulls it over her head. Other times she removes it from the front, and sometimes from the back. And it’s always in two or more pieces. I’d like to know how it is that she does it. I have looked and cannot find anything on me that will open and let me take my fur off like she does."
“Let me look" says Bandit. She moves in and sniffs him along his back and his chest. .
"Nope there appears to be nothing that will allow you to open and remove your fur"
Smokey says “I wonder why she doesn’t remove the fur off of her head though?"
“Beats me.” Bandit trills in response as she jumps down from the cabinet and up onto the side of the tub and looks at me more closely.

“I think she’s had kittens"
“How can you tell?” Smokey inquires.
"Well, look at her. Her mammary glands are swollen, and she only as two. I have 8.” She states proudly. ”I am so glad I have not had kittens. I’d hate to have MY mammary glands look like that.” She spits out in disgust.
"You don’t suppose that’s what we look like if we could take our fur off do you? Smokey asks.
"I pray to Bast not." responds Bandit.