Sunday, November 20, 2011

Its been a tough day.. tougher than most.  If it could go wrong.. it did. And as a result.. I had a melt down followed in short order by a good cry. The kind that makes it hard to breathe between the wracking sobs.

I am feeling somewhat better now.

Mostly... I am just real   REAL tired. Not lack of sleep tired  although that's part of it.. Its tired of life tired.

My boyfriend sees this. Bless his heart he tries everything he can to help. But there is only so much he can do.

I want to go back to bed and start this day over... but I can't.
Get up in the morning and endeavor to have a positive attitude and get off this track.

I have some unpleasant tasks to take care of in the coming months.

One at a time.. I need to deal with it instead of obsessing about it.

Go at it from a different angle.

Get up and regroup.

A day at a time.


Weekends take too long to arrive, and don't last near long enough.'

As usual, the plans for things I needed to get done were put aside for things that came up and HAD to be done first.  This weekend, it was the loss of the Internet connection.

For some reason everyone looks upon me as the computer geek of the household. So when the Internet cacks out or their computer is not acting right there is a knock on my door and an ask for help.

Friday, as I am rushing out the door to work I was confronted by two members of the household telling me they could not connect to the Internet.

FRACK!!! as Cathy would say.. at least I think its Cathy says that.  I think to myself.. "seriously?? is the world going to frikin end at 6:50 in the frikin morning because you cannot connect to the Internet??"'

"Did you refresh your network?" I ask as I rush past to the bathroom? I am referring to the little pop up menu on the bottom right that shows the available connections. I do not know if thats the technical term for it but they both know what I mean.

"No" they say in unison, the looks on their faces a mix of bewilderment and panic.

"Try that" I say and I load my toothbrush with '3D white' and turn it on.
In an instant they return, big puppy dog eyes and say "That didn't work."

"Well I don't know what to tell you guys, I don''t have time for this right now, I have to head to work"'
I say this as they trail after me, laptops open and cradled in their hands. I pass through to the kitchen and pour a cup of tea into my travel mug and look out the window at the snow coming down.

I feel their eyes on me. Waiting for some miracle to happen just because I know they have no Internet. I go to the closet and pull my coat out, hearing them follow close behind. I turn.

Puppy dog eyes, pleading for me to fix this.

"So what do we do then?" one of them asks.

"Read a book" I reply as I rush out the door.

In my rear view mirror I see the image of the two of them standing in the kitchen looking lost.

So, that night I determine it has nothing to do with the Internet coming into the house but with the router we bought almost a month ago. We drive to the store and the sales clerk sends up home with a replacement, which for some god awful reason refuses to install as easily as the first one. It does not want to install at all. In the process my Internet to the house disappears as well.

After at least an hour checking connections, settings etc. and 2 hours on the phone with Sympatico support. I ended up fixing it myself when the phone connection with Sympatico support got cut off. I hate to do it but I reset the modem and my connection was back. Next I spent 45 minutes with Cisco tech support. Things are running again.

I should of played up the dumb blond card years ago.  It's too late now.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Who I am

Lately the need to write, or the ability to do so escapes me.

I enjoy spinning a tale but it does not come easy to me.. it has at many times been a creative outlet reflecting on, or helping me deal with the issues in my life.

I expect my life is no different than anyone else's, but at times it feels worse than most and it overwhelms me..

I am 53 years old and have still yet to feel comfortable in my own skin.

I had thought by now I would have a certain amount of confidence. NOT.

I had thought by now Id have gotten over being the kid who was bullied and teased in the school yard.  NOT.

I am sensitive to being teased. I do OK with a bit, but after a while I begin to feel hurt', centred out and embarassed and eventually withdraw from the person doing the teasing because I find I begin to second guess their motives.

I suspect this goes back to the school yard.

What this amounts to is, I am painfully shy and try very hard to pretend I am not. In that attempt, I am sure I come across as awkward and weird to some people.
I try to come across as confident, but again I am not. and again...I am sure I come across as awkward and weird.

I have a couple of very dear friends who know this and see beyond it to who I really am and I cherish them with all my heart. One, is my daughter. Who would have guessed my daughter would be one of my closest friends.

The other is a woman who used to be my boss. Her and her husband hired me to work as the receptionist/whatever else needed doing plus on air stuff, at their radio station.

Neither of them judges me, both of them are an ear when I need it and I know they would be there in a pinch if I asked. And I am sure they know it's a two way street.

So, at my age, I live my life not sure of most of the relationships I have. The one with my parents is a given. They love me and do not judge me either.. I do not doubt that for one second. But to avoid worrying them I keep life and its trials to myself.

My daughter and my other friend are my rocks. They see past my shyness and awkwardness. They tease mildly and lovingly seeming to sense when to stop.

I used to think the number of friends you had was important and was a direct reflection of who you are.

It is not the case.

It is the quality of the friends you have. The ones who really care and will listen and support you during the good and the bad. The ones who are with you during the good times and laughter and remain when the times are not so good and you need to vent and whine.

That, in my mind, is a true friend. 

I have two.

I am very fortunate.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Thank you to our Veterans - past and present

Today, on my way home from work I sat in traffic behind a little blue-grey Neon with a sticker that read

"My daughter is fighting for your Freedom"
I wanted to get out of the car and tell the older gentleman driving the care ahead of me
"Tell her I said Thank you"

But since we were waiting in traffic I thought it was not a good idea.

I am against war, but sadly it is part of life.

So I just wanted to say, "Thank you" to all those men and women, past and present, who have gone and go to war and risk their lives to defend the freedoms and rights of our country and our people.

Not very eloquently pu,t but I think anyone can see what I am trying to say.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Me - my Thyroid - my frustration

Someone said to me.. after I had vented YET again about my difficulty in losing weight because of my hypothyroidism, that I must be doing something wrong.

I was upset by their statement because I got the impression that they figured I was using it as an excuse.. that I was full of bunk, because they had a friend who was hypothyroid but started exersizing and lost weight and now they are no longer hypothyroid.

They had no idea what I eat, but seemed to think they did based on what little they really know about me.

I was hurt because I admire this person a great deal. They have been very successul in their weight loss program that we, as it turns out started at about the same time. They have lost in excess of 40 pounds to my 1.5

As I already stated, I attribute my difficulty to the fact that I suffer from hypothyroidism (Diagnosed 24 years ago) I was told by my doctor at that time weight loss would be difficult and a nutritionist told me that I would have to put in 10 times the effort of a person who is not hindered by an underactive thyroid.

Hypothyroidism comes about for many reasons.

Pregnancy can bring on a bout of it. Viruses can also inflame the thyroid gland and cause its function to become reduced (hypothyroidism) temporarily.

My 14 year old son tested hypothyroid and during later testing his function was back to normal. The doctor said it was likely brought about by a virus.

Unfortunately, mine is not temporary. It was not caused by a virus or pregnancy. Don't know why it came out other than it runs in my family. And I will have it for the rest of my life.

Hypothyroidsm slows metabolism and affects essentially every system in the body. Symptoms include generalized fatigue, weight gain, thinning (brittle) hair, dry scaly skin, thin nails that break easily, constipation, alterations in the menstral cycle, aching muscles, and a slow heart rate. There is a decreased ability to concentrate, reading and calculating are more difficult, Hypothyroidism can cause or worsen depression.

Symptoms also include loss of appetite, painful pre-menstrual periods, muscle weakness, a yellow-orange coloration in the skin (particularly on the palms), yellow bumps on the eyelids, hair loss (including eyebrows), recurrent infections, depression, slow speech, lowering of the voice, premature aging and drooping swollen eyes.

The effectiveness of my medication changes according to when I take it.. how I take it. What foods I eat within a certain time frame of taking it. I have been overmedicated with my heart rate accelerated to a dangerous level and undermedicated so its tough to get out of bed and get my body going. I have learned to watch my intake of all food and meds and vitamins accordingly.

I have it easy compared to many other people out there who suffer with truly cronic conditions and diseases. So I am not looking for sympathy. What I do have issue with is when people who have not dealt with how it feels at times, think they know what I am up against.

I exersize. And I do not slack when I do. I am not one who takes a leisurely walk and thinks it will be enough. I get up early so I can get in 20 minutes on the eliptical in my bedroom. I go to the gym every other night and spend 20 to 30 minutes walking briskly on the treadmill, because my ankle does not yet allow me to run. (another story) I move to the Rowing Machine and do 20 minutes on that.. on the highest tension, then I weight train for 20 minutes or more. It is an intense workout. I sweat heavily and breath hard, attempting to achieve what should be my target heart rate. I get it to around 120 give or take and keep it there for a minimum of 35 minutes. My resting heart rate is 60 beats per minute. I will soon be 54. I have more stamina than my boyfriend who is 8 years my junior and also more than both our boys who are 15.

Weight loss is not easy for anyone. I agree. Try weight loss with a condition that by its nature makes it more difficult.