Throughout my life. I have on occasion been hit hard with a realization. Previous to that moment that pulls my guts up through my throat, I have lived my life oblivious to the truth. Blissfully so.
This happened very recently. Something that I believed, proved not to be so after all. And it felt like a hard kick in the chest and knocked the wind right out of me. Again I found myself choking on that familiar lump in my throat as I have so many times before.
Now, one would think that as I got older I'd be less prone to this sort of thing happening, with age comes wisdom, or so they say, but apparently, that's not the case with me.
I have once again and likely always will put myself in a position where I set myself up believing, likely because I just want to so badly, something that isn’t so. Then finally seeing the facts and the truth of the matter and once again finding myself in tears because sometimes learning the truth hurts so damned much, and angry at myself for one again, being so stupid.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
I never thought the day would come....
I never saw this coming.... and some of my friends won't beleive it when I say this.
I am sick of Swiss Chalet Chicken.
Really.
I cannot believe it when I say it but I have had enough Swiss Chalet Chicken to last me a long time. I had it twice this week. I don't think I have EVER eaten Swiss Chalet Chicken more than once in a month.
But here I went and ate it twice this week (Tuesday and Friday) and actually took advantage of the bottomless fries deal because I was short changed on my first plate.
Right now I don't think I ever want to eat it ever again. But I am pretty sure I will aquire my taste again in time.
or...
Maybe not.
We shall see.
I am sick of Swiss Chalet Chicken.
Really.
I cannot believe it when I say it but I have had enough Swiss Chalet Chicken to last me a long time. I had it twice this week. I don't think I have EVER eaten Swiss Chalet Chicken more than once in a month.
But here I went and ate it twice this week (Tuesday and Friday) and actually took advantage of the bottomless fries deal because I was short changed on my first plate.
Right now I don't think I ever want to eat it ever again. But I am pretty sure I will aquire my taste again in time.
or...
Maybe not.
We shall see.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Nice nite
Thanks to Liam, (Son) Alyssa (stepdaughter) Miranda (daughter), Seguin (daugters significant other) and Roger (my significant other) plus two kitties (Smokey and Bandit) for their lap warming services 'cause it got colder as the evening progressed. We hope to make this a regular thing... preferably Friday nights becuase we won't have to get up for work/school the next morning.
Game nights are awsome.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
How friendships change over the years..
I rememeber when I was a kid, friends came easy.
You met another kid. You played a while. You became best friends.
It was easy, the whole process just fell into place. You played, you talked. You talked about EVERTHING. Who you liked... what you liked.... what you didn't like and who you didn't like, and why. I mean it was pretty basic. You didn't like a type of food becuase it tasted "Icky" or you didn't like someone because they were mean to you. But that talk came easy and judgment was not a factor when you spoke to your friend.
As teenagers it got more compicated. There were those kids that were popular, for whatever reason. Usually based on looks or their parents financial situation. The poorer kids or the less lucky in the looks department got picked on, ridiculed, teased and left out. It is was during that time friends who were your friends once, were now no longer that because they fit into one of the aforementioned catagories and you didn't.
You do eventully find your niche if you are lucky and have your absolute best freind, the one you tell all your secrets to, complain about your parents or boyfriend to and who is your shoulder to cry on when you need them. They never judged or drew their own conclusions about what THEY think it means when you say something. They listened and comforted. I had a friend like that once. But life moved on, we moved away and I never was able to build that type of friendship again.
You see it in the movies, and on TV, adult women or women and men, as close as anyone can be short of being one person.
I have wished for that, looked for that, needed that, but have to date not found it again. And I don't think I ever will. Do those kinds of adult friendships exist in real life or are they a fabication of novels or the TV screen? Sometimes I so badly need a confidant. Someone I can bitch to, cry in front of and not feel silly. Somone who will let me vent and not pass judgement. I need that so badly but what I have to turn to is someone I have to pay when life overwhelms me and I get lost in sadness, frustration, confusion or anger.
This isn't menopause talking. This is a long time loneliness. The man in my life has a job that at present keeps him on call, so when I go to work I may have plans with him for the evening to find later in the day he will be working the night shift so I might get home in time to see him go out the door and when I wake to go to work he is heading to bed and chances are it is the same for several days in a row where we pass on the stairs or in the doorway.
I know lots of people, but I don't know that I have anyone I could call a friend like the ones I see on TV or read about. And I know there are so many times I need to talk and there is no one I can turn to. There are times where I am so lonely I feel I could not bare another second of it and I choke on the lump in my throat.
I have people in my life I do call friends and who I admire and respect and do trust if I was to talk to them about all my troubles, trials and tribulations but none of these friendships are of the type I discribe. At least I don't think so. I don't like to assume anything. Some have the potential I think. I wonder if the real problem is that friendships like that take considerable time spent with another person in order to develop. And how many of us as adults have that sort of time anymore. Between kids, jobs, housework, etc etc. what time is there left beyond that. It is too bad really, because from where I stand, us as adults need those kinds of friendships more than we did as children.
You met another kid. You played a while. You became best friends.
It was easy, the whole process just fell into place. You played, you talked. You talked about EVERTHING. Who you liked... what you liked.... what you didn't like and who you didn't like, and why. I mean it was pretty basic. You didn't like a type of food becuase it tasted "Icky" or you didn't like someone because they were mean to you. But that talk came easy and judgment was not a factor when you spoke to your friend.
As teenagers it got more compicated. There were those kids that were popular, for whatever reason. Usually based on looks or their parents financial situation. The poorer kids or the less lucky in the looks department got picked on, ridiculed, teased and left out. It is was during that time friends who were your friends once, were now no longer that because they fit into one of the aforementioned catagories and you didn't.
You do eventully find your niche if you are lucky and have your absolute best freind, the one you tell all your secrets to, complain about your parents or boyfriend to and who is your shoulder to cry on when you need them. They never judged or drew their own conclusions about what THEY think it means when you say something. They listened and comforted. I had a friend like that once. But life moved on, we moved away and I never was able to build that type of friendship again.
You see it in the movies, and on TV, adult women or women and men, as close as anyone can be short of being one person.
I have wished for that, looked for that, needed that, but have to date not found it again. And I don't think I ever will. Do those kinds of adult friendships exist in real life or are they a fabication of novels or the TV screen? Sometimes I so badly need a confidant. Someone I can bitch to, cry in front of and not feel silly. Somone who will let me vent and not pass judgement. I need that so badly but what I have to turn to is someone I have to pay when life overwhelms me and I get lost in sadness, frustration, confusion or anger.
This isn't menopause talking. This is a long time loneliness. The man in my life has a job that at present keeps him on call, so when I go to work I may have plans with him for the evening to find later in the day he will be working the night shift so I might get home in time to see him go out the door and when I wake to go to work he is heading to bed and chances are it is the same for several days in a row where we pass on the stairs or in the doorway.
I know lots of people, but I don't know that I have anyone I could call a friend like the ones I see on TV or read about. And I know there are so many times I need to talk and there is no one I can turn to. There are times where I am so lonely I feel I could not bare another second of it and I choke on the lump in my throat.
I have people in my life I do call friends and who I admire and respect and do trust if I was to talk to them about all my troubles, trials and tribulations but none of these friendships are of the type I discribe. At least I don't think so. I don't like to assume anything. Some have the potential I think. I wonder if the real problem is that friendships like that take considerable time spent with another person in order to develop. And how many of us as adults have that sort of time anymore. Between kids, jobs, housework, etc etc. what time is there left beyond that. It is too bad really, because from where I stand, us as adults need those kinds of friendships more than we did as children.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
It gorgeous outside and I'm in here..
WTF.
I have to write something.
My mind draws a blank even though throughout the week I thought of lots of things to write about.
My friend Cathy made a suggestion that I should write about a young girl her son knows and my personal encounter (virtual) with her, but 3 days after the fact the enthusiasm is gone. The energy that would drive what little creative mind I have left at the end of the day is spent and I come home and do the housework, cook the meals, and load the dishwasher, because thankfully I have one of those blessed devices. (I'd love to know who actually invented the dishwasher) Everyone knows Thomas Crapper was instrumental in making the toilet a popular item, contrary to popular belief he did not actually invent it, he did however invent the ballcock. That thing that floats and moves up as the water fills the tank and then shuts off the flow when its full. I believe the toilet is a Chinese invention. Anyway I am getting off topic… do I have a topic?
I have no idea who invented the dishwasher. Just a minute.. I will look that up…..
……………….
……………
I’m back…
A Woman invented the dishwasher. Do you hear me men? A WOMAN. In 1886!! And not because she was the one washing this dishes. In this case she was wealthy and wanted a machine that could wash the dishes faster than her servants without breaking them. I knew there was a reason the phrase was. “Necessity is the MOTHER of invention”
Anyway, Her name was Josephine Garis Cochran. And she built it herself. After measuring the dishes she made wire compartments, each one designed to fit plates, cups, or saucers. These compartments were placed inside a wheel that lay flat inside a copper boiler. A motor turned the wheel while hot soapy water squirted from the bottom of the boiler and rained down on the dishes.
You go girl.
Josephine ROCKS!!
She eventually founded a company The Crescent Washing Machine Company that was later purchased and is now known as Kitchen Aid.
Now I know. And now you know.
A big thank you goes out to Josephine
Where was I? Oh Yah… too tired and unenthused to come up with anything to write about.
Maybe I will be inspired tomorrow.
I have to write something.
My mind draws a blank even though throughout the week I thought of lots of things to write about.
My friend Cathy made a suggestion that I should write about a young girl her son knows and my personal encounter (virtual) with her, but 3 days after the fact the enthusiasm is gone. The energy that would drive what little creative mind I have left at the end of the day is spent and I come home and do the housework, cook the meals, and load the dishwasher, because thankfully I have one of those blessed devices. (I'd love to know who actually invented the dishwasher) Everyone knows Thomas Crapper was instrumental in making the toilet a popular item, contrary to popular belief he did not actually invent it, he did however invent the ballcock. That thing that floats and moves up as the water fills the tank and then shuts off the flow when its full. I believe the toilet is a Chinese invention. Anyway I am getting off topic… do I have a topic?
I have no idea who invented the dishwasher. Just a minute.. I will look that up…..
……………….
……………
I’m back…
A Woman invented the dishwasher. Do you hear me men? A WOMAN. In 1886!! And not because she was the one washing this dishes. In this case she was wealthy and wanted a machine that could wash the dishes faster than her servants without breaking them. I knew there was a reason the phrase was. “Necessity is the MOTHER of invention”
Anyway, Her name was Josephine Garis Cochran. And she built it herself. After measuring the dishes she made wire compartments, each one designed to fit plates, cups, or saucers. These compartments were placed inside a wheel that lay flat inside a copper boiler. A motor turned the wheel while hot soapy water squirted from the bottom of the boiler and rained down on the dishes.
You go girl.
Josephine ROCKS!!
She eventually founded a company The Crescent Washing Machine Company that was later purchased and is now known as Kitchen Aid.
Now I know. And now you know.
A big thank you goes out to Josephine
Where was I? Oh Yah… too tired and unenthused to come up with anything to write about.
Maybe I will be inspired tomorrow.
Some other ads I found while looking for this image.
She is locked out of her bedroom because she didn't use Lysol.....
to douche. Hmmmm really? Is this still recommended?
I have lots I could say about this one. Captions are invited.
This one leaves me without words. Lots of thoughts... no words.
This is just plain cute.
Genius... I'd love to see this one used these days.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Happy Birthday to Me
Today I anticipated being alone, Roger had to wwork a night shift, Laim was away for a funeral. So I figured I would put in my work day and come home buy myslef some food and treat myslef to a sit in bed, in front of the TV wine in hand and do whatever and watch whatever I wanted.
Well. alas, that was NOT to be.
At work I was serenaded in a way that only Cathy can seranade, with her own unique version of happy Birthday. Then with chocolates and a wee bottle of scent in hand she gave me a Birthday hug. I was so pleased. There was another more appropriate word here but I can't spell it so 'pleased' will have to do even though it is a gross misunderstatement. Latar Gail arrived with a Birthday balloon and another hug. Yay!!! Who doesn't love balloons. It bobbed about my desk all day inviting further birthday wishes from others in the office. Then that rascal Cathy lured me away from my desk on the pretence of buying me a birthday coffee. Well actually she DID buy me a coffee and when I returned to my desk there was a card on my keyboard with more Birthday wishes. I'm surprised I didn't cry. I am going on far too long about this but it was a long and happy day for me. so lets cut this short. Cathy and Dave treated me to dinner at thiers and MY favorite place 'Swiss Chalet Chicken'!!!.
Yay, yet again.
Then to top it off the staff sang a Birthday song when they bought dessert. The lyrics were something like this.
"I don't know but I've been told, somone here is getting old"
"something something somthing ine???
something something 59" ??? WHAT!!!!???
ah who cares... it was fun.
I got home to a parcel on the kitchen counter. From Rogers sister. Chimes... for my chime tree. Out front of the house.
My mom called and sang, my Dad and Betty called and sang. My daughter and step daughter texted me birthday wishes and I spoke to my oldest again later on the phone. and an email from my oldest son. oh and a birthday song and general silliness on the phone with Rogers brother and his wife.
I felt really loved today. What a wonderful feeling.
Happy Birthday to me.
Thanks everyone. I love you all.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
My son is 13 years old.
just over a week ago we lost my father in law. Someone my son cared about and had enjoyed the company of for every birthday celebrated, Christmas, Thanksgiving and most weekends for dinner and some weeknights at dinner time. He was saddened by the loss. Yesterday an uncle through marriage, someone he had known for more than half his life, died unexpectedly of a heart attack. One call to me at work from my son and I could tell her was hurting bad. It is strange watching a child in greif. Up one minute, down the next. You'd never know he was grieving then wham! Tears well up.
Last night he slept badly. Today he slept most of the day. I'd check on him and he'd open his eyes, look at me blankly then tell me he loved me then would drift off again. The boy has told me he loves me more in the last two days than he does in two weeks. He is sad because he will miss these people. Today he seem to be really feeling it. I hurt for him.
just over a week ago we lost my father in law. Someone my son cared about and had enjoyed the company of for every birthday celebrated, Christmas, Thanksgiving and most weekends for dinner and some weeknights at dinner time. He was saddened by the loss. Yesterday an uncle through marriage, someone he had known for more than half his life, died unexpectedly of a heart attack. One call to me at work from my son and I could tell her was hurting bad. It is strange watching a child in greif. Up one minute, down the next. You'd never know he was grieving then wham! Tears well up.
Last night he slept badly. Today he slept most of the day. I'd check on him and he'd open his eyes, look at me blankly then tell me he loved me then would drift off again. The boy has told me he loves me more in the last two days than he does in two weeks. He is sad because he will miss these people. Today he seem to be really feeling it. I hurt for him.
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