30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 2

This is the Sunroom in my home.

It holds a cot piled high with cushions to sink into. (seen here) a small desk, a side table a lamp table and two chairs.

And books.

It is my favorite room in the house and if it was up to me, it would remain open all year. But it is uninsulated and has windows on 3 sides so at some point after Thanksgiving it gets closed up.

A Maple tree sits outside the front window and holds my collection of chimes. When the breezes blow the sound is .. I wish I could describe it but I can't other than to say it calms me when I am tense and lifts my spirits when I am down.

The dappled sunlight shines through the leaves on the trees amd streams in and casts a soothing light over everything and the windows open to let breezes through.

On days when I am fortunate enough to have the luxury, I curl up on the cot and read. When my eyes get heavy from taking in the words I nap, then sometimes I will wake and continue to read some more and sometimes drift off again.

I have a tough time keeping still as a rule but but when I set myself down on this cot it's like a switch... the response is automatic. And I relax and forget for a while the challenges life brings.

30 day photo challenge - Day 1

We have gardens.. far too many of them and this year its almost an addiction. My son has taken to sheilding my eyes from them as we walk past plants at the stores, holding my elbow as he quides me past. "Mom, we have enough plants, don't look at them, you have no room for anymore". 

And he is right.

This is an African Daisy. I have always loved the daisy type flowers because of the simplicity of them but I am fond of this particular flower due to the variety of colours and unusual blends of colours on some of them. And some have a variation of the pettle shape that is unusual.

For more images click the link below

http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&q=african+daisy&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&biw=1424&bih=600

My 30 Day Photo Challenge

Later today.. when I get up after a long day and a very late night I will post a photo.
It is my 30 day challenge.
For me.
Cause I want to.

Each day will be a photo I took on that day and will include a description.
So off to bed I go for now.
Stay tuned to this station.

P.S. The photos posted may NOT be used or reproduced without my written permission.

Not that I expect them to be good enough that anyone would WANT to. But you never know.

The Decision... continued

Ted pushed himself up from the porch swing and moved swiftly into the house. Chris sat silently letting the swing finish its reaction to his sudden movement. She swung slowly back and forth, back and forth in shorter arcs until the swing came to a stop. Tears welled in her eyes and she knew she saw some in Teds before he quickly bolted for the solitude of the house. It was a lot for him to digest and she began to wonder if telling him was a mistake. Her resolve to keep her secret wore down as she grew more fatigued.

She was scared and she never felt more alone. He had thought she was just getting lazy and they had fought many times about what she hadn't been getting done .Each day he would come home to a house with laundry not done and dishes in the sink. He would huff his displeasure as he slam things around in the kitchen while he cleaned up and put things away.

Earlier that night as she lay in bed she heard him and knew he'd be upset with her when she finally showed herself or he came down after his shower.

She drifted off when things grew silent and was abruptly woken by the door being flung open.

"Jeez Chris, what the hell is it you do all day? I work my ass off at work then come home to the mess here to take care of. And tonight you haven't even started dinner. I guess watching those damned soaps must drain the life out of you and keeping the house tidy is just too much for you now???"

Previous to tonight shed always managed to hold her own, make excuses of some sort that he'd buy and it would be done. But tonight he had had enough and yelled.

Dammit Chris, you've barely lifted a finger around here the last 3 months. And I am fucking tired of doing both our jobs. You have always kept a clean house.... always had dinner ready or on the go when I came in the door. Don't get me wrong I never took that for granted I always appreciated it but lately.. it's like I'm living with another woman. Heck you don't even look yourself. You won't talk to me, you're sullen, short of temper sometimes and that's not you. I don't know what to do. Are you unhappy? Do you want out?? Christ Chris. I love you, you must know that. I have been patient and tried to understand but you are doing dick all around here and not talking to me about anything. Come on.. something's up. Just tell me."

His rage had resigned itself now to worry and seeing the look on his face made Chris cry.

It was not a gradual thing. Ít welled up in her throat and forced its way out so hard she almost choked on it.

A sound alien to Ted came from his wife, he stood dumfounded and speechless not knowing what to say. He moved in and grabbed her in a big hug. Just in the nick of time too because her knees buckled and he had to hold her up. It was like the force of her sobbing stole the last bit of strength she had in her body. He slowly brought them both down to the floor and just held her. It was a long time before the crying stopped.

When she was breathing normally he gently cradled her chin in his large hand and lifted her face towards him.

He looked into her swollen eyes and stared for a long time. Searching for the woman he fell in love with. She saw the concern and love he had for her and mustered up a weak smile to ease his mind.

'Splain Lucy"' he mimicked in his best Ricki Recardo imitation.

She moved to get up and he helped her, now so aware of how weak she was. She took his hand and led him out to the porch.

Not sure what to say or how to say it, she led him to the swing and sat down.

They sat and watched the sun as it slipped slowly down the sky.

The sky burst into brilliant oranges and deep purples and she did, as she had every night since her diagnosis, marvelled at the beauty of it. And as she had also done every night since then, she lamented the fact that she had taken it and so many simple things for granted. She should have lived her life differently. And she would NOW live it the way she should have.

"Ted, I'm so sorry. You deserve better than you have gotten from me these last months, her voice caught in her throat and she swallowed hard working to formulate the words. There was no easy way to say this.

"I should have told you sooner.." and she stopped again. Breathing deep and trying to calm herself. She sat quietly... practicing the words in her head.

She looked at his face and before she could change her minded said the three words he would NOT want to hear

"I have Cancer."

He sat in stunned silence. She waited for him to say something. His hands balled into fists and and he got up and went into the house.

She sat on the swing, her mind swimming and second guessing her decision to tell him and through tear filled eyes she watched as one by one the stars sparkled to life in the darkening night sky.

Sleepless in Huntsville

The last couple years have seen me sleepless. More nights than I care to count I have tossed and turned growing increasingly more frustrated as sleep eludes me. The pharmacist gave me melatonin, the active ingredient in turkey that makes most people drowsy after Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner.

It works... sometimes.... but often enough I will find myself popping a Benadryl in desperation. It works quite nicely but as with any drug not prescribed it should not become a habit.

In January I joined the gym. For two reasons. I was a member of the gym for many years, it is where I met my significant other. Roger. I recall that I slept well those years without any sort of medicinal aid. I needed to lose weight and tone up so I thought "why not?"

Well that didn't work so well for the sleep part but I was toning up and feeling stronger.

Well, now, I am in a walking cast for reasons I won't go into now because I am quickly steering in a direction other than the reason I sat down to write. I have been up since before 5 this morning. Just like yesterday morning. Yesterday I drove into work for 7 ( heading off track again)

I was sitting in bed watching a recorded episode of 'House'. I had just gotten in from the final screening this season with Reel Alternatives. It was after 10. The cats trotted in and jumped on the bed as they often do when Roger is not around. He doesn't like them in the bedroom. And they know it. When they hear his foot land on the top stair to come down to bed they are out like a shot. Silent and crouching low to the ground.

Laying there last night, watching 'House' I looked at them sleeping curled up at the bottom of the bed and felt a calmness. And I remembered always having my cats on my bed at night while I slept when I was younger. So I decided that while Roger is away. (struggling in Lake Erie to get a boat back home, weather and fuel lines conspire against them) I'd let the cats sleep with me.

I turned off the light sighing to myself and thinking "hmmmm... this is nice" Less than an hour later I was woken by the movement of one of them crossing over my feet. Sometime later one of them was laying on my feet. the foot in the cast sensitive to the weight. At one point Bandit thought it would be a good idea to climb onto my chest with her tiny little feet poking at me like broom handles. It hurt. I lay there grimacing, anticipating shed settle down and curl up there and sleep. Nope, she walked round and round till I growled at her and she got the hint and moved off the bed. Later I was woken again to the rustle of one of them on my night table. Smokey was pushing at things, and in short order I heard plastic clunk of the 'TV remote hitting the ground followed by the similar sound of the PVR remote as well. More rustling and I knew he intended to create a spot big enough to lay down in. He is a big cat and I had a lot of things on that table. I whined his name and leaned over and gave him a gentle shove of the table. These events were mixed with several nose to nose pokes and vigorous play.

What was I thinking?? So much for that idea. Then I remembered. I started confining these two from my room when I lived in my apartment. For the exact reasons I stated above. How soon we forget.

It's now after 6 and I will be on the road to work within the hour. Time to dress and change to my day time walking cast. Roger won't be home tonight as originally planned. The bedroom door will be closed tonight and the cats can sleep anywhere but in here. Will try warm milk tonight.

Makes me wonder.....

Sometimes, things happen in a persons life that makes them stop dead and think. "WTF?" 
I know I am not the only person out there who encounters this kind of thing.  But here I am, blindsided and reeling. If my life was a cartoon I would be wobbling, my eyes bulging and rolling around, and I'd have stars flashing and birds tweeting in circles above my head.
In a cartoon its funny,
in real life.. not so much.
It brings to mind a song. Written by Albert King "Born Under a Bad Sign"

Great song.. always loved it.
I can relate. Now, I know my life is not as bad as so many other out there.
Far from it.  But Jeez... does it have to have these constant trials and tribulations, problems and issues, changes and pain?
I am grateful for what I have. I really am, But I could use a break from the crap.
Maybe I should have been a Blues Musician. It would be a great creative outlet for this stuff thats socially more acceptable instead of whining about it. When I complain about the trials in my life people avoid me. BUT if I wrote songs and sang about them and made money off it, I'd never lack for friends.

Time for a career change maybe.

The Decision

She sat queitly thinking over what the doctor had said to her earlier that day.
That word that everyone hopes they never have to hear fell heavily on her ears and sunk into her gut. As he spoke to her she stared at his mouth, watching how his lips formed the words. He had been speaking for a long time.. saying words that she was no longer hearing because a buzz had settled in her head. She turned her gaze to the window and watched the traffic passing on the road below. A tiny blue car made its way to the corner and stopped at the light. A fog closed in and she could faintly hear a voice.
"Chris.. Chris are you with me?"
She felt a touch on her arm that jolted her back from the cloud she had retreated into. She blinked and looked back to her doctor. 
"I need you to pay attention to me." he stated flatly. "This is important. Take these brochures home and go over them with Ted then decide what it is you want to do. There are options" 
She nodded, not looking up.
"Do you want me to give you some time to absorb this before you leave" he asked.
Looking at her, he decided for her "Listen. Take your time. Compose yourself. You can leave when you are ready" He gave her a long look then got up and said "I will call you tomorrow to see if you have any questions" He closed the door quietly behind him.
"Thank you" she mumbled after he'd left. She sat and watched the tears fall onto the brochures that she was folding over in her hands.

She did not remember the drive home or how long she had been sitting in the bedroom.  She had read the brochures and tucked them safely away in her purse. She just did not know what she was going to say to Ted, or her children. After years of being able to speak her mind and discuss her problems she now found herself without words. She had no idea what or how to tell them.  She looked out the window and noted that the sun had gone down. She could hear her son moving around in his room, talking online with one of his friends while he played his game. At times she had found this irritating as he could get quite loud but this time she listened intently, enjoying the sound of his voice and remembering him as a baby. Remembering how he smelled as an infant, and reliving the feeling of him cradled in her arms. She closed her eyes and held the memory hard. 
"What do I tell him?" she asked herself.
She gathered herself and left the room and wandered to the kitchen where Ted had started dinner. He looked up from the counter where he was preparing carrots to roast when she entered the room.
"Hey Hun" he said smiling and moved in to give her a hug. She took his hug and held on tight, tears welling up in her eyes. After a couple minutes he pushed her away only far enough to look at her face. She could see the concern and she swallowed hard and blurted out.
"Damn menopause has me feeling moody. I don't know if I can handle possibly 15 more years of this" she moaned, hoping he'd fall for her deflection.
He wiped the tears from her cheeks and held her some more. Only when she let go did he move to continue with the carrots.
"I love you" he said and gave her a kiss on the forhead as she backed away. She almost choked on the lump in her throat when she returned an "I love you back"
She watched him go back to the meal prep and was so grateful for him. He has always been so patient with her. So loving and considerate. Loving her even when she dished out her worst to him when life was being hard on her. He took it with understanding. Knowing it was not him that the anger was about.
"Not this time" she said to herself. "Not this time" She would not take this out on him. He had always deserved better from her.
This was one battle she'd fight on her own. One battle no one needed to know about except her. At least not yet. Her sons, one grown and moved out, her daughter and Ted need not be involved. If, and only if the day came where she was told that there was no hope.... Then, and only then would she tell them.
She was determined that day would not come.
She went to the drawer and picked out the cutlery and proceeded to set the table. She glanced at Ted on her way past and he gave her a warm grin. She smiled back. She called to her son who came in and got the plates to place around the table. After the table was set she thanked him and he gave her one of his best bear hugs.
"I love you" she told her son.
And as they had since he began to talk he responded with a smile "I love you too"
"I love you three" she countered back.
I love you forever" he replied and gave her another hug. She watched him as he returned to his room. "Dinner in 15" she called out.
"Ok" he answered and the door clicked shut behind him.
Her determination had carried her through a great deal.
It would this time too, she thought.