Sunday, November 22, 2009

Too short....

It's the last day of the weekend.
The LAST day!!!
I LOVE weekends.
I LIVE for weekends.
'Cause I get to sleep in. Its part of what I do. I stay up late only because I can. And I do that only because I can sleep in. I watch crud on TV...... surf the net, read trash to keep me up, only because I get to sleep in.
Weird huh??
Used to be, years ago, I actually stayed up because I had something exciting to do. Go out with friends to a bar or movie or a party. Those were the good parts of the weekend and the sleeping in was a necessary part of it. Now I create a full evening (boring as it is) to make it so I can enjoy the pleasure of not having to get up at a specific time.
This weekend I actually managed to sleep until 8:14... both days. My time is improving.
I do miss the old days though. But kids and finances have made those few and far... very far in between.
I wouldn't give up my kids to be able to relive those weekends again if someone made one of those offers. I love them to bits. I Live for my kids, and as they get older I appreciate every bit of time I do get with them. I am fortunate that my oldest, Miranda lives in town and we are quite close. We spend bits of time together often.
My son Eli lives in Guelph and I am lucky to see him once a year. He doesn't call, he very seldom sends an e-mail in my direction. And it hurts but I am coming around to seeing it's the nature of the beast he is. He is a dedicated student and employee. Not very social. Likes to keep his possessions to what he can carry and relationships to a minimum. Or so he tells me. I miss the little boy I remember. 'Sober sides' is what some people referred to him as. He was quiet and shy with intense eyes. He loved hats, even more so than my youngest. He wore a different hat every day and had quite a a collection of them. He settled on two favorites as he got older. A railway engineers hat that belonged to a great grandfather who actually did work for the railway, and a baseball hat that used to belong to an undercover cop with a drug squad. This group of cops had these hats embroidered with the grim reaper on it and some words that have long worn so badly I cannot read them. This hat in particular appealed to him in his preteens when boys get into skulls and dark stuff, as he did. I still have both these hats and in searches for other things I will often find them again. I stop and feel the soft worn fabric, turn them over to find a blond hair that has clung to the lining of these hats for 13 years now. I leave it there because picking it out and tossing it in the trash would feel like throwing HIM away. That's when the tears start. As they are now. I miss him so much and hope one day to reconnect with him again. I feel so unconnected knowing nothing about where he lives, what he does, who his friends are, and if there was or IS a girl in his life. I feel that a big part of me has gone missing.
Back to my first thoughts. I Do love weekends, really... I do stay up late, I do attempt to sleep in because and ONLY because I can. I do the other things I wanted to do but didn't have the time do do during the week. I get very selfish on some weekends. I do what I want... when I want. As I type this I am still in my pajamas. I may not even get OUT of my pajamas today.
Yah... I love weekends.

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